what to expect when you're expecting (the first 14 weeks)
by julia bender
1. try not to eat anything you really like. after you puke it up several times you will hate it.
2. expect to look bloated, but not pregnant for quite a few months. it's very attractive.
3. make a clean path in the bedroom to the bathroom when going to sleep. boxes or clothes that you trip on are likely to make you curse and you don't want to teach the baby bad habits already
4. expect a lot of relations to tell you what to eat to help you feel better. most of these involve more than 3 minutes of cooking which means you won't do it
5. don't forget to button your pants when you walk around the office. it's nice to leave them unbuttoned when sitting, but it's awkward when you are surrounded by men and wandering the office
6. don't ever eat a fish sandwich to follow lent with your husband. it's the worst ever coming back up. ever.
7. be prepared on smells. everything has a funk. parking garages. apt hallways. elevators. bathrooms. the list goes on.
8. if someone ever says, can i do anything do help? always respond with dishes, please. they're really not hard, but the smallest effort is just too much when you're as lazy as pregnancy makes you.
9. buy a roomba. yes, i didn't push the 'clean' button for 4 weeks, but now that i'm less nauseus during the days, i will start. roomba, clean my house!
10. let your husband do all the dishes and cleaning as long as possible until he notices that you haven't done any in 5 days. then act really surprised.